Thatch had a cold about a week ago, and though he seemed fine during the day it made him fairly miserable at night. For 3 nights he would only sleep on me, in the recliner.
During the third (exhausting) night, right when I was wishing for my bed and a less-clingy child, he started to cry, reached out and touched my face, and then sighed happily and drifted back off to sleep.
And suddenly I felt not exhausted, but proud. (okay, exhausted AND proud) Proud that I had bonded so well with this beautiful boy, that when he didn't feel well he needed *me*. It just seemed so RIGHT. So natural.
Which made me reflect yet again on the huge mistakes I made with Lay-- too many parenting books, not enough trusting my own instinct. The book I held in such high esteem, which I followed faithfully-- and yes, it DID make her sleep early, and yes it DID make her "self-soothe", but only because she learned that I wouldn't come when she cried, and only because she no longer trusted me to soothe her. I have no memories of holding her as a baby when she slept, because I never did. She was easier (as if THAT is what we should be striving for)-- she never needed me to rock her when she was sick, never ran to me when she got hurt or tired--she wanted her blankie and her bed instead. Easier, because I chose to follow all of the common Christian advice, and put my infant on a strict schedule, make her sleep alone, and comfort herself.
I still loved and enjoyed my daughter, but we were missing something important. When I realized my mistake, I had to re-bond with her as a toddler. It took a lot of years to build the bond with her that I would have had naturally had I not followed that horrible book. (The still very popular Babywise, which has several medical warnings against it). I remember the first time she was sick and wanted me to sleep with her-- she was 4. I don't think I'll ever completely get past the guilt of how I screwed up with her, though I know it was because I was an overwhelmed new parent, and those (effing) books seemed to have all of the answers. I learned a valuable lesson though, to never ignore my own instincts. I'm a better parent because of it, and I have many memories of holding a sleeping Paisley, and countless ones of snuggling a dreaming Thatcher.
It's tiring sometimes, but it really is so, so worth it.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing that, heather! It is encouraging to read as I sit here with Will during his 4th wake up at night, but with his precious little face on my chest :) You are right - it is exhausting but so beautiful and worth it. The good news is that you are such an amazing mama that Layla is still an amazing girl who loves you so very much. Our poor first guinea pigs, I mean, children ;) I still feel badly that I didn't realize for the first little while of bethany's life that she wouldn't just fall asleep but needed to be parented to sleep :) thanks again for sharing vulnerably, friend!
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